i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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