When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
