So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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