3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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