I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
