I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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