Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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