I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
