i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
