im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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