Someone shit on the floor
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
