By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
