Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
