Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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