I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
