Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
