So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
