dude i'm inner monologue high
what day is it and did you see me today?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
