Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize