he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize