I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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