Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
