If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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