you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
