Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
