I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
