somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
