Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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