I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize