College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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