that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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