6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
