im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
