He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize