my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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