Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize