Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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