yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Semen is not good for contacts.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
