That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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