There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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