hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
