I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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