god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
