We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
