you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
