He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
