I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
