1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
