Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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