so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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