Are we in a gay sports bar?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
