i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
This show inspires me to have sex in space
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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