i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
