Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
