We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
