a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
