I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
