Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
