you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
